


Bang Bang Kiss Kiss (Or, how I got it all backwards the first time)

by treewishes



Category: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-21
Updated: 2009-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-04 22:50:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/treewishes/pseuds/treewishes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry gets his first assignment as an LA PI. As usual, nothing goes according to plan. Also as usual, there is no plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bang Bang Kiss Kiss (Or, how I got it all backwards the first time)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hariboo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hariboo/gifts).



> This is my yuletide gift of Harmony/Harry to hariboo_smirks who also wanted bumbly case fic. And so I wrote Harry trying to catch a crazy stalker for Claudia Black (as Ms Smirks seems to be a bit of a fan of hers :). It was interesting writing this in the 2006-ish time frame, and so no twitter or TMZ, which would certainly be plot elements today. I put in a few other cameos of actors in other fandoms she requested (Zach Levi, Matt Bomer, Jennifer Carpenter, Michael C. Hall), just for fun.

So it all starts when I get this call from Perry.

"What are you doing?"

"Pulling my dick. What do you think I'm doing?" He knows exactly what I'm doing, which is unpacking the boxes that he had delivered _two hours ago_ to my new digs in Hermosa Beach. Perry had arranged the place while I was in the hospital. He said the landlord was an old pal. My guess was an old fuck buddy. I wasn't asking, he wasn't telling.

"I need you to go down to Palos Verdes. Check out a possible stalker on the premises."

"Aside from being knee deep in boxes, Boss, and whoever packed them did a great job with the breakables by the way, I can't--"

"Shut up and listen. I'm on my way, but I'm still on the fucking 101 which means at least an hour and a half, and that's assuming no assholes decide to break down in the middle lane between here and there."

I roll my eyes. "You shut up. I don't have a car, you dipshit. Rental went back yesterday, new car not ready until tomorrow, remember?" Poor guy with his ass in a butter-soft leather seat. All I have in the way of furniture is two folding chairs.

"What the fuck is your problem?" he yells, but before I can defend my car-free honor, he says, "Not you, sorry. Harry. Forgot about that. What is it, Tuesday? I'll get Harmony to pick you up."

Hearing Harmony's name makes me cringe, and that makes the bullet wound start to ache. I rub it, which doesn't make it feel any better. Ever since we got back from Indiana and that cross between hell and catharsis that had been her sister's funeral I'd been thinking about calling her, but there was never a good reason. She probably still hates me. For good reason.

"Listen, I'll call back if Harmony can't do it. Which I'm sure she can because nobody works on Tuesdays in February. Write this down. The address is 1721 Paseo Del Mar. Client's name is Claudia Black. I'll see you there."

"Wait-- why doesn't this Claudia Black call the cops?"

"Don't be an idiot. Celebrities don't call the cops, they call their security. And that is me. Did you write down the address?"

"I have it." Apparently, I am now one of Perry's appendages. Joy.

I hang up, scrabble through the boxes for a pen and write down the address. I open my kitchen drawer and take a deep breath. I pull out the gun -- bought yesterday just after I paid through the nose for my PI license -- and put it in my coat pocket. It's not a toy. Definitely not a toy.

I'm waiting on the front step when Harmony pulls up, all smiling and waving out the car window. She's wearing something blue and sparkly. Of course, she looks fantastic.

I wave back, nonchalant. It's a case, not a date. I get in and jerk sideways when I realize someone else is in the back seat. Okay, definitely not a date.

"Hi," says Flicka.

Harmony punches me in the arm. "Quit freaking out, Harry. I'm dropping her off at the Pier. We were going out when Perry called."

"Hey, no problem. Good to see you. Both of you, I mean. No freaking out here. Me, I'm not the freaking type. Hi, Flicka."

She looks me in that way she always looks at me, then starts typing into her phone.

"Does everyone in LA do that?" I ask Harmony. "That texting thing? I mean, do I have to? Because I don't think I have the thumbs for it."

Harmony grins at me. Maybe she isn't too pissed?

Flicka leans over the console. "Hey, can you drop me at the Portofino? I just got a text that Jennifer Carpenter is having dinner with her new co-star. Mega points for pictures".

"Sure," Harmony says, and takes a left. We pull into a line of cars waiting to get to the drop-off zone for this big hotel right on the water. There are a ton of people walking here, weaving between the cars as we lurch forward in the conga line.

"Hey, look, it's Swedish Jack Nicholson," I point to a guy coming toward us.

Harmony giggles. "He is! But he needs sunglasses, you know? It's just not Jack without sunglasses."

Then Flicka starts -- and I'm not kidding here -- squeaking, and typing even more furiously into her phone.

"What?" Harmony turns, demanding to know. "Who's here?"

Flicka, all amused distraction, says, "Matt Bomer and Zach Quinto. _Together._ Thanks for the lift, Harmony. Call me?" She opens the door and jumps out.

"Sure," Harmony says, then throws her a friendly, "Bitch!" Flicka gives a little wave and hurries off.

Harmony slams her fist on the steering wheel. "Damn. That's probably worth two hundred bucks."

"For a picture of a couple of guys? Are they stars or something?"

"Or something. Oh, the things I do for Perry."

Which I am pretty sure he's paying her for. I remember we're on a case, and put my hand in my pocket to check on the gun. Still there.

We pull out of the line of cars and head south on the Pacific Coast Highway, which really, not much of a highway. It's like Picasso named the streets in LA or something. Soon enough, we turn right and we're in the money part of town, big houses, lots of Hummers, no sidewalks. And then all of a sudden we're in really big money on Paseo Del Mar with ocean fronts and even bigger houses and we're there. Harmony pulls over about a hundred yards past the drive and kills the lights.

"Okay, thanks-- hey, what are you doing?"

"I'm getting out of the car, what do you think I'm doing? And keep your voice down. Perry said it's probably some landscaper who forgot his rake anyway."

She's across the street and on the lawn by the time I close the car door. I follow at a fast yet casual walk. There's nobody on the street, but there are a bunch of garage condos on the other side with their lights on.

I grab her arm and drag her behind the hedge. "What do you mean, it's some landscaper?"

"I mean, if it's not just a weird shadow, it's probably something totally innocent. The pool boy, the landscaper, whatever. These people are always seeing something out their window and calling Perry, so let's just do a quick scout around the place. What do you want to do, wait for Perry to knock on the front door and take the credit?"

"No! I mean, isn't that his job? And since when do landscapers work at midnight?"

"Since they do. You go clockwise, I'll go counterclockwise, I'll meet you around back."

"Are you sure we shouldn't just knock on the door and let them know we're here?" There was a light on inside the house, but the place wasn't lit up or anything. "Look, Harmony, I know I'm new at..."

But she was gone. Either she went around those bushes to the right, or those other bushes to the left. I swear, she is doing this just to fuck with me. Or not to fuck with me. Which way did she say to go? Counterclockwise? Which way was that, anyway? I look at my watch, but it's no help.

I go right, skirting the fence around the tennis court and trying to stay out of the line of sight of the windows. The wind is coming off the ocean, branches whipping all over the place, and I can see how you might think there was someone out here even if there isn't. The moon is behind a shifting layer of clouds and casting weird shadows, and there no sign of Harmony anywhere. I stopped short just as I almost _step over a fucking cliff_. I pull back and look down--

Which is when I see her. Oh, fuck, fuck, FUCK. Some huge guy is dragging her by the arm down the beach. I can see her dress glittering in the moonlight. She looks like she's out. Or maybe she's pretending to be out. I dial Perry.

He answers. "Where are you?"

"Listen," I whisper as loud as I dare, hoping the wind doesn't carry my my voice. "There's a guy, he has Harmony."

"What? Is this Harry?"

"Yes, it's Harry. Where are you? There is a big, motherfucking scary guy--"

"Whatever. I can't hear you. I'm still half an hour away. Wait for me." He hangs up.

Right. I put the phone back in my pocket and climb down the cliff. Okay, I actually slide down the cliff into the sand. The guy is pulling Harmony up around the tennis court toward the street. This was such a bad, bad idea. I scramble through the sand, trying to hug the cliff and stay out of his line of sight.

I finally get to the place he disappeared and pull myself up using a low hanging tree branch. As I get to my feet, I see him, he's huge -- and leaning over Harmony's unconscious body. I pull out my gun and point it at his broad-shouldered back.

"Turn around." He doesn't seem to hear me.

"Turn around," I shout, and he drops her arm. He turns, then, and I bring the gun up to keep it pointed at his chest. I glance down at Harmony. "She better not be dead, that's all I have to say."

He looks surprised. "Dead? Why would she be dead?"

"What did you do to her?"

"I found her lying on the beach. I think she's drunk. Or something." He smiles then, and I can tell immediately he's lying.

"Move over there." I motion to the cliff. He moves, and I kneel down. I push Harmony's hair away from her face and see a bruise forming on her cheek. Her eyes flutter and she groans. "What's this, you moron --"

Which is when he hits me. The gun goes flying, but he's off balance, too, and we both tumble into the sand. I see my gun half buried, maybe ten feet to my right. I fake left, then dive for it.

He lands on my back, but I'm on top of the gun. I'm scrambling for it and he's pushing my face into the sand, and I can't breathe --

And then he's gone. I roll over and see Harmony is wielding a tree limb like a baseball bat. "Not bad, A-Rod."

She grins. "Should I hit him again?"

He's sitting up, and I'm feeling around for the gun --

Which he is suddenly pointing at us. "Put that down," he says, waving the gun at Harmony.

She drops the branch. "Who are you?"

He shakes his head. "Nobody important."

"Hey, hey," I say, holding up my hands. "I'm sure this is all a big misunderstanding."

He smiles again, and it's like a shark tooth smile. "You're right. I'm sure you didn't mean to scare her. But you did, you know? She called security on you."

"What? I mean, who? You mean Claudia Black, who called security?"

"Yes, that's right. Claudia." He nods toward the house, but he says her name in a way that makes my skin crawl.

"Well, that's me. Us. I mean, we're the security." Without dropping my hands, I motion between me and Harmony.

"Uh huh," he says. "Pardon me if I don't believe you. That way. March." He pointed back where he had been heading with Harmony.

"But --" I start to say, when Harmony kicks me.

I'm not sure what to do, but I am definitely sure I don't want to turn my back on this guy -- when suddenly, he goes down.

And Perry is holding a gun on him. "Glad you could make it," I say, scrambling to get my own gun back.

The guy sits up to see two guns on him, and Harmony has her branch aimed at his head again.

"Not your day, buddy," Perry says. "Why don't you tell me what you're doing here?"

Finally, he looks scared. "I was afraid someone was after her. Claudia."

"And you're not after her?" I say, doubting every word. This guy was majorly creepy.

"No! I live a few miles down the beach. I was just reading Barfbaguette Online and saw there was a stalker here. I wanted to help."

Perry and I respond at the same time. "You were reading." "What were you reading?"

Then Harmony says, "Oh no," in a small voice and drops the branch.

"What?" Perry didn't turn his gun on her, but it was a near thing.

"That might be, ah. That might be Flicka's blog."

And then there was a lot of swearing (on Perry's part), a lot of apologizing (on Harmony's part), and a lot of relief (on my part). The guy was still a total loser, as far as guys go -- I mean, who would think Harmony was a stalker? And then he goes on and on about someone named Erin Son. Okay, fine, it's LA and there's a lot of weird shit in LA. But really, girls in sparkly blue dresses don't stalk celebrities, even in LA.

 

Well, except for Flicka. What a crazy town.

So then Perry takes the guy home; he's some crazy bit actor named Zachary Pugh who's willing to do anything to keep this out of the papers.

And Harmony takes me home. To her home, the one with real furniture. As opposed to my place which only had boxes so far.

She goes to get some beers and I go out onto her balcony. It's a beautiful night; the clouds are gone and the moon is full.

I take the gun out of my pocket. My hand doesn't shake at all. I'm not sure if it had helped or hurt to bring it along. I do know getting the sand out of the thing is going to be a bitch.

"My hero," she says and hands me a beer. She holds hers up to her bruised cheek. I take my bottle and put my other arm around her waist. She pulls back and gives me a look, and takes a long drink. "So, does this mean you're finally over Chuck Chutney?"

I squint at her. "Who?"

"Good answer," she says, then reaches down to fondle the gun I can't seem to put down. She kisses me then, hot and sweet.

I lick my lips. Cherry. She looks sweet and innocent, which I don't buy for a second. "So, guns make you horny?"

Now comes the wicked grin. "You just figured this out? Didn't I mention my obsession with hardboiled detectives at any point?"

"I'm not hardboiled. Well, not boiled at any rate."

"My Amazing Harry."

I kiss her again. "Let's find out," and we go find that big beautiful bed.

 

~~Bang!~~


End file.
